Wednesday, 11 June 2014

waiting

Amongst all the projects of to-do and busywork I tend to occupy myself with these days (and want to post about on this blog), I realize that sometimes I'd like to just be. Just be here, just rest and listen inwards, and try to find the words that describe what's flowing underneath the surface of the everyday.

There has been a definitive few days when the progression of this pregnancy entering this new, third trimester felt tangible. I feel heavier. New emotions are arising subtly but strongly. I dream about breastfeeding. I dream about my baby, and wake up feeling how much I yearn for him. And then I keep busy to ease the waiting feeling.

Just like right at the beginning I tend to rise really early, naturally - which feels unusual and new because all my life it was always difficult for me to wake up in the morning. I'm not - or I haven't been - a morning person. I always thought if only I could make a living out of sleeping in, I'd have such an amazing and lucrative career... but now it's different. At the crack of dawn I come to slowly, sometimes to the gentle kicks in my belly, sometimes just so, and by the time I'm done with turning from side to side in bed it's still only just gone five thirty. So I get up, quietly and naturally.


I'm usually nice and rested. It's blissful sitting in the quiet kitchen or on the balcony by myself - well, myself and the little person with the kicking feet and little stretching arms inside. I take in the morning air, the northern summer sun already shining quite high in the sky, birds darting around or answering echos. Just this ease of being awake in the world feels so good.

During these mornings while it's so early, I don't sew or wash up or do busywork. I usually read a little, from blogs or from the baby book, or write, or just sit somewhere and think to myself, or listen to songs like this...

And then, there are those mysterious tears of these early mornings. They seem to come on like a sigh deep from the chest, spurred by emotion and quite possibly hormones. They bothered me for a while with their regularity and their spontaneous triggering, but now I just let them flow. I stop while they are done with their overwhelming and while I can't see what I've been reading or writing through the tears. Nobody else is here to judge, or to ask questions, and I don't want to explain or quiz these tears much. They seem to just come to be part of these early morning times with myself. So I just let them flow. They feel like tears of happy, of yearning, of release, of letting go, and more.

I hope you don't mind me sharing this while I pause with all the crafting projects a bit. It feels nice to say these words, to tell how strange, how mysterious and how good it feels to be waiting for baby.

By the way, I'm still just about able to see my toes when I look down.

9 comments:

  1. Beautifully written Aniko.. Takes me back..
    Making me feel broody too, in my dreams I always had 3 kids but the reality of having children made me change my mind, haha you'll see!! I really enjoyed being pregnant and it sounds like you are too! I can't believe you are going into the 3rd trimester already. Enjoy, it is such a special time..

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    1. thank you Helene! i barely can believe it too that 6 months is up already, time really does fly! it's lovely really, but i'm not sure i could be pregnant once more, i think i'm a bit old for that :) we will see though, maybe i will miss the little kicks too much :) but three sounds a little too many - in fact i remember my mum crying when she told me and my little brother that there is a surprise baby coming... she found it very hard to have a third one, but my sister turned out a great kid. thanks for your lovely comment Helene, it's so nice to know that my experiences connect me with other women! xx

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  2. you gave us your feelings with beautiful words aniko :)
    sending you a big hug xx

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  3. I remember these feelings too ... enjoy it all ... becoming a mother is an amazing process ... your words are beautiful ... Bee xx

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    1. thank you Bee - love that I can finally share in these feelings, becoming a mum was a long-time wish of mine xx

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    1. thank you Ann Marie! xx

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    2. I really enjoyed reading this Aniko, your words really resonated with me. I remember the tears and the early mornings before baby came. It was such a unique place in time. Xx

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